the last thing you do

whats the last thing you do each day.
i mostly don remember.

i remember that i wait for it. when you live alone. there is no schedule you follow. you tend to somehow fit in as the time passes. there is too much of time on hand. there was a time when i use to wait for all the telephone calls to finish, and then sit for dinner. a movie perhaps. then the calls started getting later and later. and it doesn't help when your parents live in america. the time difference just sucks.
i hate eating alone. hate it. hence i put it on hold till the stomach goes, dude food...food food. what i hate more is stopping in the middle of a meal and talking on the phone. i am not the kind that munches while he talks. so as my mouth blabs..... i stare down at the hot plate in my hands.....and slowly feel the warmth go. as the conversations switches from subject to subject, i think of lowering the fan speed so as not to render the food cold. slowly but surely, i put the plate on the floor..... phone on ear.... stare at the food, the cold food and sigh.
reheating the food, sigh, reheating that half eaten dinner.....again. you get this flash, your life, stale as the food, cold as the daal...... and as meaningful as the fly that does the rounds of the plate.
you still live life as per others boundaries. waiting for calls. taking care of that first and then yourself. is it sad when you come second, even wrt to you. i mean, is it ok that you yourself put yourself at number two. all the time. everytime. over and over again.
and this is just the 2 mins in the microwave.
the plate goes round and round, you hear a faint sizzle. and then you wait, cause you have over heated the mother.
life is not cool. its beautiful. its a lot of other things...... but it aint cool. i sometimes want to explode, i used to once.. but now i don know the degree of destruction i will cause. once you are on a roll you are on a roll, you don really care what you have in your hands, you just throw it. hurl hurl hurl.
i have stopped waiting these days. i can't anymore. and honestly, the care factor has become more complex. there is this state of constant contradiction. live today to fight tomorrow, is what a friends motto was. poor thing, neither is he living nor is there any fight. so yes, i shall accommodate, not vacate..... accommodate.have momentum, so build the same and then jump on. cause there's no stopping anymore.
no more waiting. no more.