the truth

have you ever been scared of anger?! of your own anger. when you have seen yourself in full swing, your conscience in the passenger side as rage takes over. its like a movie. there i go using movies again. movies and tv are like my books and bible. so if you insult the idiot box and the silver screen. i take it personally. both of those combined have taught me things i'll never get from any teacher,book,manual etc.
movies,tv and music are my vices. keeps me sane amongst all this chaos.
i don't get angry anymore, very rarely. very. this is not a good thing. anger in a constant flow is healthy. if your stay consistent it hardly matter.
again a movie quote-ish i will give here, there are 2 types of people in the world. implosive and explosive. lets take the metro system is question. the rude passengers hurling abuses at the ticket man to give their tickets faster are implosive. the poor ticket man, who takes this shit, day after day after day..... and suddenly one day comes to work with a sub machine gun, and well. say hello to his lil friend. that is a ka-boom.
i am scared of a ka-boom. i have seen myself go ka-boom, and it ain't pretty. i have know to pick people up and brush them aside. literally. sorry moo for that calendar outburst. i think i am self destructive also. try to say stuff using the wrong words.
people sometimes wonder why on earth i am stuck in calcutta while my parent be in chicago. sometimes i wonder myself. is it something i want to prove. it is because i am sick of all the moving. or is it because i am lazy, content, indifferent. i don't know. all i know is i want to stay here. once i had a dream. a stable nice warm dream. where money was not in the equation, time was all i had, always and forever. it wasn't hard to clearly distinguish between the fiction and the non-fiction. but in the moment. you know.staying where i belonged. doing what i was born to do. merrily merrily merrily merrily, life's but a dream.
its easy to find your way when you took a wrong turn 5 mins ago, what do you do when the first wrong turn was 5years a ago, and ever since, one wrong turn after the other. its too late to turn back. i suppose i am not the kind of person who turns back also. call it ego, call it carmen sandiego. really don't matter.
chocolate cake and kosha mangsho i can cook. i suppose thats all that matters. a full stomach, and an empty head. but just my luck being stuck with a full head and an empty stomach. by choice and not compulsion. mostly out of worry and utter internal devastation.

happy new year