"living" alone

living alone.....i always thought was over-rated.....but believe you me.......i was mistaken.... i put living in quotes cause i imply on the criteria that living alone doesn't include livin in a PG or a rented flat...... living alone to me means....taking care of your own house..... yes i have my own house..... well lets say dad had to give it to me to get another cause the law states that in salt lake one salaried man can own only one house....... so to curb this obstacle... mi dad "gifted" me the house and got another...... i mean i was overwhelmed and all......but then you should have read the legal documents that were prepared.......it started of like...." i rana roy, happily present this house to my eldest son rishi roy out of goodwill and love..........yada yada yada....".... i had to sign on hte papers as well....so i started to read...... but with the high level o bullshit in that 8 page gift... i couldn't bare.... the first five lines i couldn't read with a straight face...... so i look at dad.... and i am like......you sure abt this??.... "just sign the bloody papers".... dad said whilst grinnin...... i signed the papers..... went to one of many bhawans in salt lake got finger printed......signed some more..... and thats the last i saw o those papers....... it was only after mom and dad left that i understood what had happened..... i had "rights" to the house......but all the documents proving so were with mi dad........ aaah ki murgi hoyechi.....l0l...... and hten dad's like..... " you actually thought that i was givin hte house to ye??"..... i was like " yeah"....... dad's like " yeah rite........"....we both laughed.... i had no reason to complain.... he did leave his car behind.... i guess thats the gift i really wanted and well i do "own" the house..........
when i say house i mean a 2 bedroom....2 bathroom......dining-cum-living room........ and neighbors....... pesky nosy and gossipin neighbours....... the first thing mom told me before leavin was not to have girls in the house...... i was like "huh"..... i am 22 and do have a lotta female friends...... i mean c'on.... so i debated with my mother and agreed that no female acquaintances would stay the night....how ever innocent it may be...... its not that she didn't trust me...... she didn't to some extent..... i mean..not that i blame er........ but she didn't want rumors to spread..... which was true..... the ppl in the flat do have this tendency of "thori si baat mein mirch masala".. but then what mom didn't know wouldn't hurt her i told miself..... see i have been a "thief" so to speak since i was born.... i have many ways of finding loop-holes and taking full advantage..... and i am good at that..... i lie so much and so efficiently these days that i sometimes scare myself...... and because o this i have to keep track o what i am sayin and when...... and that aint no piece o cake..........so anyways.... right after they left....... i did have a hard time settlin down.... the first few weeks i lashed out.....i had freedom at last....then realized that that wasn't enough... coming home to an empty....dark and cold house was pretty scary and well was gettin fed up with it....... i had friends come over.... all the time don get me wrong...... but when its 2 in the mornin and you can't sleep......alone is the last thing one needs to be.... see when i am alone i tend to flash thru all the stuff i fucked up in/at am fucking up..... the list is endless and well no matter how hard you try to change the topic in your head.....it still comes back.....
then mi granny came over.......which i thought was goin to be an utter disaster....cause she's this sweet and small control freak......... but when she came over she seemed to have changed.... she joked around..... cooked and well gave me my "space".........or a woman who used to go thru mi pockets and keep tabs on me........she really changed....... she respected my privacy... i mean i felt really bad when i closed the door for the first time to light a smoke......and a good 15 mins later smell o ciggy still merkin in the room ....... she'd come sniff and say nothing...... then i learned that she had been tutored by mi mom and uncle to let me be......... but being told to do something and doing in are to totally different things.... who wud have seen this comin lol....... everyone still asks me if she drives me crazy....and seemed astonished to hear me sayin no.... she does drive me crazy but in a good way...... i mean she is the only family i have around..... seemingly she's a hit with my friends...... holds highest esteem for mosh ( understandably so) and then nunku.........for which i have no explanation...... i guess we understand each other cause we know what it is like to be alone..... never have we discussed the matter but i guess its a mutual understanding...... and well with the fiasco that came with my family moving to chicago(for ppl who know.....and for the ppl who don't lets just say it was by far the hardest and toughest time in my life)..... everyone had this new found respect for me...... everyone started to treat me like an adult...... which was like wow........ ppl talked to me abt things they were scared abt and asked for my advise..... it may seem simple enough......but when someone 3times your age asks advise from me, well lets say its a tad unexpected....... but with dad and mom gone "the live wire of all family occasions"...... i and my uncle were give the task to create a fun and relaxing atmosphere.......... i mean it was easy for unc to do....but me jokin around with dadu's and dida's...... and succeeding...... it meant a lot to me...... i mean i attended two of my uncles wedding...those relation wise uncles and age wise dada's...... everyone was scared cause without mom and dad..... the "vibe" couldn't be rite...... which was true....... i realized........i am not the only one who miss em..... but then i am my mama's boy..... but then there was like father like son....... dad was the "fokkorbaaj".....and mom added the "zest".... and i had a bit o both ..... well a lotta both actually..... so everyone saw a new rishi roy...and were highly impressed.... and since i am the eldest in the next lot....ie generation wise...... they have all started to conspire a wedding for me...... i first thought they were jokin......but now am shit scared..... dad upon hearing this... was elated...... he too wants me married off...... calls me up to check the status now and then..... sheyana maal........ nije pheseche tai aamake o phasanor chestaye......... (n.b. when you make this kinda remark.....make sure you mom ain't around)........ mine wasn't around ..... but then dad was all the more happy to convey my message to mom....... thus i lost the most crucial supporter.... who also now is up for my wedding....... shhesh...... when you think things can't go more wrong...
the idea o marriage scares the shit outta me..... i can't even take care o miself..... let alone another......was that a chauvinistic remark....... din't intend it to be....... just shit scared i guess.... i mean if i fuck up now......which i will...it'll only effect me........ but knot= no fuck ups.......
yeah like i can do that.............. i just have a lot on my mind rite now......and with all the expectations others have suddenly developed for me...... i feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fuckin scared.......ohh....to cloud myself up and and forget is the only way i can deal with all this.........i am a 23 ol dude with a cat........ that about sums up my life.......
eta ki chronic depression.............ja sala...... i am to young to give a shit......... what better way to forget and look the other way................ i rest in my solitude with smoke and dust....... listening to music......forget i must