sleep

sleep in so elusive these days, you try to induce it, go to bed just as that drowsy head gives its first bob. some days that is enough to send you to slumber. other days, its just a lure to all the chaos. sometimes i see everything in fast forward when i look for lady nidra. this use to be a permanent problem in college, then i suppose nidra and i got along. i miss those days. i have twitches and cramps. it feels like you are tied to the bed. i roll over again and again, the sheet shifts, almost sweeps the floor by morning. breathing problems also, like there is a stone on your chest and you are desperately gasping for air. sleep was such a joyous thing, a passtime at one time, but now its feared and dreaded. a good sleep makes the difference you see, it all depends on which side of who's bed you decide to get up on that decides the color of the day, and of late, my days have been, the earthly-murky-dark. i see a woman try to fight for her life, but also realizing there is no point, blaming her age rather than her lack of eating habits. if you could drink the water for someone, i think this world would be a better place. have you ever stared at a light bulb, which is flickering due to the change in voltage, it dims, you can see the red filament, then faintly glows again, till the generator runs out, and you lay there is the darkness, close your eyes and can still see the red coil glowing. i enjoy life, well now i do, i can't bear to see people pulling out of the race, you can take a breather, but do finish the lap, you are on the track already, one foot after the other. i dunno whats wrong with me, or is it i dunno whats right with me. all i know is things don't look like they are getting better. i hope i die young. not that young, but young enough. there is too much sadness at the end of the journey, i have seen enough on my way there, i just don't cross that line. independent and alive, dependent and dead. there are fucks, then there are clusters of fucks, that lil stretch at the end is a carpet fuck, i hope i don;t have to deal with it. with bunker busters and heat seeking stingers. abort i say abort.