weddin season

19thjan

my freewill has been taken....
i feel like a kid again...
mom is home :)
so is mashi.... them both be eating my head... but i like... i miss
i be washing dishes and cooking....
one word of advice... don learn to cook/tea in short anything that other people will make you do.... cause once you know how to do..... your fucked.
you just have to do and do and do
but i feel my home is a home again...and not just a house i go to sleep in.
move in move in
sigh the things i miss
mothers are pet patla....and a friend told me once... the only difference with my mom is she leaks information in front of me.... that way i can manipulate the truth if i wanted to ...thats what mom says.... and add's ....its better than doing it behind your back..... sigh mothers..... how much i miss this chaos

life man

i remem i had wanted to go to mashi's house, during my cousin was swingin..... so what if she had a problem with mother.... i didn have a problem with her.... and she dare not speak up to me..cause generally i am the boy who sets the standards......maybe not to educationally speaking... but everything else is my forte... i reign. this is not pride.... but aftermath of my struggles. i remem tellin mom...."i off with tut's to rani's house"..... mom's like "NA!!! jabi na....uh-uh...noway not happenin"...
mom she is.... i said hutt, your sister eh, you have jhamela...not i. so i left with the cousin. half way dad calls...... see dad is the cool one... the one i look up to... like me... he too is the stupid one.... the bhola one.... but my point is...the dude i not always serious.... i picks the phone and he says one sentence that left me standing.... "you are not old enough for me to give you reason....whatever, you will not go to the house...got that"..... i said yeah...whatever...
but what got to me was the directness of the command.... it was strange for dad, not always the authoritarian. i was taken back..... it seemed too strong, coming from dad, generally mellow he be. i did give slack, he must have had his reasons.... i know he had a handful.... but he must have more. i left it at that. i accompanied the cous, left him right in front of the house.....

that uncle died yesterday.....
my mom reasoned to go to that mashi's house, yes the same one
my dad called to re-affirm my participation........
in short......5 people, the same five who did say, no-never, called to say the man is dead.....and loomed over the phone..... they expected me to say....oh i'll go.
sorry frig-turd, i wanted to go but i ain't gonna say shit.
in the end however .... the biggest frig-turd (me) did end up going..... not to the house.....but direct to nimtalla ghat. i have never been to a cremation. i remem dad going for a few... i always wanted to come. never allowed. now that i am a big boy, i get to go....... because i'd be representing dad.
seeing the dead....seeing the dead. that was what was in my head..... i stalled as best i can....on one hand i knew i was getting late..... but with the other i was making my emotion stick. i reached the ghat so see a cousin brother cry over his dead fathers body..... a brother who i have never seen cry before.... i saw family who were there just for being there........they were eagerly discussing the wedding coming up......fucking pathetic. they were asking me shitty question..... which stopped once they finally got the expression on my face....or if that didn't work the slight agitation in the answer. one amongst the "mourners" said..... and i shit you not.... " ki good luck, time e we got here...look at the line of bodies coming in now..... thank god we came early and didn't have to wait"
fuck
fuck fuckitty fuck fuck
what is wrong with people......
in 45 mins......i saw 8ish bodies come, that too, just to neemtalla....staggering the amount of people that die.
that same not-wanting-to-wait-mesho have me a telling off cause i was hovering around the crematorium while the dead mesho was burning and looking at all the dead people...... i turned around..... the evil eye...... that fucker was the one who said come to neemtalla..... i picked up a dead body and kinda shoved it in a fire... and he was telling me not to look at the dead people.
these bongs are crazy.......
the ashes were then taken and ceremonially put in the ganga..... right next to which a young changra wiped his ass, just after taking a dump right in front.
we went back to the house, the house i was forbidden to enter. people went off soon enough. i went off a lil after...... they knew this day was coming..... i knew it.....now that its come...i have done what i have....and thats it

people called minus mom and dad...... asking what happened and all..... i didn answer..... i know why i didn answer.
the only reason i had to go there was because i ahd to be the eyes and ears for other. its ok if you are a UN rep, but if you are in a bong family..... that position is not a respectable one. atleast not for me. i will not divulge any information to anyone of that day. in detail i mean.......i will not answer a single query. that was not why i was there...... i wasn't getting information..... i was trying to pay my respects..... what ever i had left.
i was told to sleep with a friend....someone's house.....have all the lights on at home i were to be alone.....yada yada yada. ghosts they said..... heh
i am already haunted by humanity, supernatural things are the last of my worries. we are our ghosts. our insecurities and our conscience. rid the ghost within...and then look for skeletons in others closets.



happybirthdaydadforwhatsitsworth

ode to parents

i mostly complain about them..... bitch about them... all the negatives
i would like to state
a) without them i won't be here (literally)
b) without them i won't be where i am
c) without them i won't be where i want to go
d) without them i won't be able to enjoy it when i finally get there.
i have been a bad son, mostly, well ok-ok in the long run, but i would never want to change my parents. i am what i am cause i saw them at it....at life.... givin up their own dreams to fuel mine...ours...
life man.... frig
life. in a different world i would have changed certain things, but not them, not their wisdom, guidance, whack ideology.... the package.
i just wish i could do more. i hate this feeling.

eh....life
this will be the day, when i look back and say..... "thus he started and never looked back"

twenty rupees and fifty paisa.... he actually counted
two samosas,with chutney of course and the small thums up, in hand..... he looked at the car. dented a little.... scratches caused by general stupidity.... the tires kinda worn out... makes a noise in first gear..... reminds him of the stone that the car didn't go over as it was supposed to..... assests. the car, the house. all are of value. thirteen bucks for the cola and samosas. all he could think of was going and tasting a lil phuckha.... it was just around the corner...... but he couldn't see it.....he knew it....but didn see it..... thats why he didn spend the seven rupees fifty paisa....his last..... all because he didn't see it.
you know that saying..... jump when you find the window.... well he had his repaired. set him back on a morning which he had pretty much taken for granted..... half asleep he saw exactly what he wanted to do..... where...with. pretty much remember every detail if you ask him now. but you gotta catch him before he does his cloud-thingy. very hard that. he himself has tried and fell short.
he'll sit now.... in his room. his room. curtains half draped.... but new repaired windows. for the first time he'll actually recollect where he spent what that day...and why. he'll ponder for a while...... rid the seeds of doubt and the sticks of disarray... dissect the situation way beyond measure.......light the diminishing flame inside again
and smoke the mother away
and thus starts the new year......
fuck money fuck assets fuck family fuck me