face book

well it does suck. but eh. gives people some kind of social life. i like to interact with people. face to face.
i was about to update my status with this.

i now know why i don't remem any of my birthday. half of the time it was either exam time or result time. sigh. i felt that again today


but i felt like writing more. i was about to continue. then stopped.
i had this feeling of deja vu. been there. done that.
i miss blogging. i do.

there are things that blogging does that facebook can't do
here i don't care who reads me.
there, there are a shit loads of people i don't want reading shit i spit out.
sigh.
for the record. stating that there is a problem, doesn't really help with the solution. either give a constructive criticism, or stand in line with all those who have issues with me. there is a waiting list. a lot of redundancy. of both people and issues.

i don't know why i don't like this time of the year. i have seen so many enjoy their time. i suppose the time for celebrating the coming of the new year replaces itself with the thought of another year gone by. i would say wooooooooosh, in warp like speed. but with every minute spent alone, thinking about consequence and effect, everything in suspended animation. the one you can freeze frame, walk about and see yourself fucking it up it all possible angles.

all of this is a test. the results of which we will never get to see.

getting a tattoo

getting a tattoo is not just choosing a design. its not how much its gonna hurt. how much its going to cost. the main aspect of a tattoo is what people look over. just plain skip. i have learnt it the hard way.
a tattoo is a bond, dosen't have to me a emotional bond, but a strong strong bond. as in, its a piece of art that is going to stay with you your entire life. so when you are trying to bargain off the what you think is the extra cash, you are indeed pissing off the artist. i take picture. and lemme explain. if a client is paying me lesser than what i would normally make, and is expecting the world from me. i have to try to explain to them ki tis just not done. to produce an original piece of magic, it takes more thatn money. you need to be inspired. i have 5 tattoo's now. i was only impressed by the first. the second, i regretted, spurt of the moment, this looks cool wannabe sigh, the 3rd well that had some elements going, not impressive, but not bad as well, the 4th, well that was lil one has meaning. and since i drew the X, i take the credit. but this last one. it makes all the 4 worth their while. i mean finally i have a piece of art, which i can cherish.
you need to trust the artist, be sure of his/her skill. and that goes 2ways. i mean i get why people get butterflies and crosses. but when you find that one thing, that one all inspiring thing that you want on you, for the rest of your life. and want it done good. lemme know, and i shall point the way. am boy, do i bet you you'll come out all smiley. this is not a promotional text for white star tattoo's. but i have been moved. and well, you all lazy buggers wanna move, holler!
this is art man art
peace out

the truth

have you ever been scared of anger?! of your own anger. when you have seen yourself in full swing, your conscience in the passenger side as rage takes over. its like a movie. there i go using movies again. movies and tv are like my books and bible. so if you insult the idiot box and the silver screen. i take it personally. both of those combined have taught me things i'll never get from any teacher,book,manual etc.
movies,tv and music are my vices. keeps me sane amongst all this chaos.
i don't get angry anymore, very rarely. very. this is not a good thing. anger in a constant flow is healthy. if your stay consistent it hardly matter.
again a movie quote-ish i will give here, there are 2 types of people in the world. implosive and explosive. lets take the metro system is question. the rude passengers hurling abuses at the ticket man to give their tickets faster are implosive. the poor ticket man, who takes this shit, day after day after day..... and suddenly one day comes to work with a sub machine gun, and well. say hello to his lil friend. that is a ka-boom.
i am scared of a ka-boom. i have seen myself go ka-boom, and it ain't pretty. i have know to pick people up and brush them aside. literally. sorry moo for that calendar outburst. i think i am self destructive also. try to say stuff using the wrong words.
people sometimes wonder why on earth i am stuck in calcutta while my parent be in chicago. sometimes i wonder myself. is it something i want to prove. it is because i am sick of all the moving. or is it because i am lazy, content, indifferent. i don't know. all i know is i want to stay here. once i had a dream. a stable nice warm dream. where money was not in the equation, time was all i had, always and forever. it wasn't hard to clearly distinguish between the fiction and the non-fiction. but in the moment. you know.staying where i belonged. doing what i was born to do. merrily merrily merrily merrily, life's but a dream.
its easy to find your way when you took a wrong turn 5 mins ago, what do you do when the first wrong turn was 5years a ago, and ever since, one wrong turn after the other. its too late to turn back. i suppose i am not the kind of person who turns back also. call it ego, call it carmen sandiego. really don't matter.
chocolate cake and kosha mangsho i can cook. i suppose thats all that matters. a full stomach, and an empty head. but just my luck being stuck with a full head and an empty stomach. by choice and not compulsion. mostly out of worry and utter internal devastation.

happy new year

so here goes

last year was bad, bad bad bad bad bad. it ended on the right tone.
but this year i have a lil animosity towards certain things. one thing that drives me up the wall are reviews. i mean, 5 years ago, they were like insight into the film. now a days they dissect every tini winy lil detail, twist it to their own interpretation and try to force feed it down viewers throats. i don't once remem going to see a movie after checking out the review. whats the point. that review is someone point of view, that someone's job. he or she see's all the movies and then gives critique. i'd follow that critique if i too watched all the flicks. but i don't, i follow what i want to see. and another thing i don't get, from lil we are told how to live, what to do, what not to and what to re-do. i mean our whole life has been constantly critiqued and reviewed by loved ones. i grew up listing to everything, but figuring them out myself. i mean, i remem dad said " steak, ewwwww, its uncooked and lil blood, ewww" , so i didn order it when i went out with em. but does that mean i never had steak. i love steak. the tender meat, the lil redness. i get dad didn like it, but there is no certainty i will loath the item in question with ferocity.
life is just that. everyone knows whats going to happen eventually. its making them happen on your own terms, thats why we do the things we do.
movies were fun once upon a time. now they are more of a test of compatibility. rocket singh left a scar, 3 idiots am scared to watch. sherlock has been getting bad reviews. tis a guy richie movie. it can't be that bad. if shah rukh khan can can get away with playing a fuck all ashoka, which is more a sentimating-musical than an actual account of history. then robert downy junior and mr.law can get their bromance on if they want to. its such a prejudiced generation we deal with. everything has to made according to their specification. cinema bananor khomota nei, ninde korte shomaye noshto korbe na.

fundamentally, i am a piscean. dream all day. so movies for me, are like a can of worms to a fish. they allow me to expand my realm of possibilities and theories. i have seen shit all movies, still taken something back from them. hindi in fact. and bengali, the current ones are not that bad either. i like to see what could happen, even if it shit all. the whole plausibility is not the factor, has never been, as long as things happen, they happen.
i have become apprehensive about what i say these days, started off at the movies, and i brought it home. i don't like this feeling. i don't like checking everything i say before i say it. things that were a past time have become a mine field. one wrong step and kaboom.
i missed the times of no limitations. ei cho cinema jabi, cho cho. ki cinema, dekha jabe. then while coming out, e maa ki jaali cinema. i remem seeing back to back movies. the first more horrific than the last. but i still did it. now i think downloading them and seeing them in the comfort of your own home is the best option. no telephones ringin, other than yours. if that happens, you can atleast pause the bloody thing. you don't have to share your thoughts with other people. you don't get to over hear over committed phrases.

and i hate people who shoot down ideas, its like, " hey how about....." "no". i mean what the fuck. listen toh. and the funny thing is, its them who ask you the questions. absolutely hate it.
i have learnt one thing, when subjected to adverse conditions, the subject in question has two very clear options, erode slowly till the water finally settles on its path, or just wash away with the water. the problem comes when the rock is big.

i wish i could turn back time, and stay in college for ever. i meant something there. i felt as if i belonged. things were simpler. way way more simpler. expectations were at an all time low.

i am afraid i am becoming a push over. and thats like calling me anorexic.

happy new year ........... bah humbug

Day-o, day-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day
Me say day, me say day-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home

Work
all night on a drink of rum
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Stack banana
till de mornin' come
Daylight come and me wan' go home


Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home

Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan' go home

Day, me say day-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day...
Daylight come and me wan' go home

A beautiful bunch o' ripe banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Hide the deadly black tarantula
Daylight come and me wan' go home

Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch
Daylight come and me wan' go home

Day, me say day-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day...
Daylight come and me wan' go home

Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana
Daylight come and me wan' go home

Day-o, day-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day
Me say day, me say day-o
Daylight come and me wan' go home

never count your chickens before they hatch

i lost one of my first models today, heh
having scummed to the disease paralyzed unable to communicate, she waited for over half a year, finally just to fizzle slowly and sadly. i am happy that it happened. i feel bad that i am more content than sad. we lose the best ones in the worst possible way, life sucks

this time last year

we were all going about our daily lives, happy sad, grinding it out. then we were glued to the tv for god knows how long. i didn't lose anyone that day, personally that i know of. but that day, and then the following days we felt as tho we did lose family and friends. i suppose we are a secular country, with secular sentiments. i believe india as a country is very united and strong. we show that when ever we have our backs to the walls. even our breed of muslim fanatics were bamboozled by the blatant attacks.
its been a year since then. the tv boxes are full of memorial footage. but i suppose some of us would want to forget it ever happened. i would like to say things have changed. i have, but very minutely.
peace and solidarity
love and respect.

cheers

money

i have never been a fan. as long as i can remember, its primary use has been to compare and contrast fellow individuals, more than anything.
my dad, once i remember i had asked how much he'd earn, he snarled back at me, i hadn't expected the reaction, but i suppose i shouldn't have asked. my dad was is and i don't think ever will be shy of spending money. as long it goes to our stomach, brings a momentary smile, the necessary expenditures and the over the top ones also, he in fact give off money for many a lost cause, primary example being me.
i, in a way, am growing up to be like him, not education wise not depth not temperament wise, its that bloody spending thing i have inherited. but i can't possibly blame it on the poor guy. i'd be satisfied if i were 1/3rd the man he is. is difficult to spend money when don't have any. but i have re-written that shit. i have spent irrespective of availability of funds, crisis not even a global disaster can stop me from spending. i'd be the guy ahead of you in every convenient store stoking up on everything starting from bandaids-hojmi-pudin hara-batteries you name it. i'll get it. its come to the point that i have spent more money than what some people have earned. am i proud of it, no. but does it still pricks you when people compare your bank fucking balance. heh. the sad part is, it has become natural, its what this society currently strives upon. money money money. the lack of or the abundance of, its always money. i have seen people earn shit loads of money and save it like they were scrooge's great grandfather. good for them. honest. i harbor mixed sentiments towards people like that. on one side i envy their saving ability on the other i ridicule the point that them be trying to make. whats the point of money if you don't spend it. but at the end of the day you are what your bank balance states, loaded or bankrupt. that is what you are, what you will remain. figures on a fucking sheet.
maybe i just a loser, really doesn't matter to me. it never did.
as a friend always used to say...."amar chera geche"
by far one of the most volatile one liners in bengali, it expresses a variety of emotions. frustration, anger and i suppose the most blatant one is the don't care don't give a fuck- thingy. it gives a lot away, the words we use, about us.

everytime there comes point at which you know what is coming next, the choice being do you play your cards the way you get em, or do you wait for a better opportunity, one which is more convenient. i now know why i suck at uno. if you have a fucking draw 2, might as well play it rather than wait for the reverse to come so as not to hurt the one you like. hoye na. its always been everyman for himself, the guy in front who gives way to the old lady and that young brat, he always dies. always.

i wish i go to sleep today and wake up when i am 70, only to die a painful slow death.

was with an old man as he talked his way through

i was at jyoti babu's house today
with an old servant of the government, i had no clue i has headed there,
so when the driver asked where, and a loud deep accented voice barked back, indira bhobon, i was...where!? and i think i jumped a lil when the driver too replied with shock.... jyoti babu'r bari!?!!!!!
at that moment i knew i was in for a ride, a very interesting ride.
this man, 83, full of faith and cane to steady his wobbly stride was on a mission. he was from agartala, tripura. he spoke all the way with a loud muffled silati-bengali-mixed-with-an-awkward-english dialect as i cursed myself for being sober and not having the slowmo option, oh how dearly i missed it. i tried to grab most of what he said. to my knowledge he was verifying with me, the politically correct khisti chitter chatter he hoped to do with mr.B, this mr.B. so in a way i was being asked on what mr.B would eventually get to hear, not good things mind you, most of it was directed criticism to the steady decline of power and the stupidity with which the reds marked themselves with red tape.(most of them went way way way over my head, so i nodded along and gave the voluntary grunt of approval) all the time himself being a red fanatic, staying true to the color from what i gathered, old school. so anyway, this and that we were in front of the house, the cops tried to verify who we were, the man took all the attention. talk about taking charge of a situation, i was at awe as he gave another official's card and with the ease with which he was let in. i accept the manner was wrong, but clearly he has been there, done that, z level security, bah humbug. i heard him apologize for his apparent loud rudeness, as he said, his father too complained and he explained it was the reason why people feared him. i was looking at my newest role model. well not in the way that i would change into a dhooti, but i was like wow. we breached security, there he was taken to an ac outhouse where he'd wait for mr.B to wake from slumber. the security were like who is this guy, and this is the one who apparently recognized him and escorted us in. heh. we weren't allowed to leave the old man there as planned. the name on the card was phoned. they knew who he was. they politely came and said, sir is sleeping, and is sick also, fever since last night.
we left the house with the same poise with which we came, i got off after a while, the last thing i heard was raj bhobon jabo.
i foiled that plan. but i think it was for the better good.
all this with a joint in my pocket.

pujo 2009

in short

back

so i be back from malda
it went well, not as bad i expected
a sister is getting married, the count down is on again
saw the time ticking, old people getting older
a whole week without internet :) more importantly farmville
india has really been hit by draught
global warming is catching up
the heat this time around was just unbearable, to the point that ac's in mud houses was seriously discussed, as in seriously no joke, sounds funny but honest
pictures i will put up as i settle in again
the future for paton seems grim, no new faces
old ones are quickly dispersing quickly
one good thing is friends are welcome, and have come in the past
everyones changed, in a good way
or maybe i just grew old
mama'r shamne diye mod er jogar, sigh, and i don drink only
smoking up on a field next to a batch of banana trees stinking from the fertilizer
actually not being able to count the no. of stars in the sky
to almost seeing other galaxies
playing 29 with the kirton ppl and the boli man
unknown people calling me "bhagnay", and many toothless smile
awestruck by the awesomeness of the zippo
someone told my sister, bhagnay nei, theek jomche na
heh, sigh
this is the only thing that is certain
every year, it going to happen, with or without you
but the end does loom, its scary
i want my children to experience this
its a reality check,
for all those who bunk it, its a huge huge loss, jack asses
but then there are those who'd chop off their hands just to be here but still can't
this is my Christmas, my thanks giving, onam, rath yatra, ganesh chaturthi, kali puja, holi, this is my festival. my time to get back to my roots, and give adda with the people who ideally should be your friends your family, your close ones. time to get back to all the missed opportunities, mending bad ones. its my time. my time to spend countless hours in the pond

the wrong side of the quarter

so i am 25 right, not the good side either
check this, i am still buying shorts and and the reasoning is what i find entertaining, i just got back the train of thought while relieving myself, but unlike other days it didn't do away with the flush, so the deal is, i explained to myself, rishi dear boy you need nice half pants for formal occasions.
when rationality returned, i was left wondering, half pant for formal occasion?! wtf
where did that come from, i sometimes wonder when i will eventually grow up.
but the deal is, kore ki labh aache, tsk tsk
70 year old men tell me dirty jokes, but we laugh with equal vigor.
for the first time i might not be able to go to malda this year, but some how i am not that saddened by it. i say it now. but things are not what they were once. man i miss my mom. dad ta fau, hee hee, i like him too, but mom, best defense is a solid offense, and she is like the mother alien in the alien movies. :D

sleep

sleep in so elusive these days, you try to induce it, go to bed just as that drowsy head gives its first bob. some days that is enough to send you to slumber. other days, its just a lure to all the chaos. sometimes i see everything in fast forward when i look for lady nidra. this use to be a permanent problem in college, then i suppose nidra and i got along. i miss those days. i have twitches and cramps. it feels like you are tied to the bed. i roll over again and again, the sheet shifts, almost sweeps the floor by morning. breathing problems also, like there is a stone on your chest and you are desperately gasping for air. sleep was such a joyous thing, a passtime at one time, but now its feared and dreaded. a good sleep makes the difference you see, it all depends on which side of who's bed you decide to get up on that decides the color of the day, and of late, my days have been, the earthly-murky-dark. i see a woman try to fight for her life, but also realizing there is no point, blaming her age rather than her lack of eating habits. if you could drink the water for someone, i think this world would be a better place. have you ever stared at a light bulb, which is flickering due to the change in voltage, it dims, you can see the red filament, then faintly glows again, till the generator runs out, and you lay there is the darkness, close your eyes and can still see the red coil glowing. i enjoy life, well now i do, i can't bear to see people pulling out of the race, you can take a breather, but do finish the lap, you are on the track already, one foot after the other. i dunno whats wrong with me, or is it i dunno whats right with me. all i know is things don't look like they are getting better. i hope i die young. not that young, but young enough. there is too much sadness at the end of the journey, i have seen enough on my way there, i just don't cross that line. independent and alive, dependent and dead. there are fucks, then there are clusters of fucks, that lil stretch at the end is a carpet fuck, i hope i don;t have to deal with it. with bunker busters and heat seeking stingers. abort i say abort.

some would say i throw tantrums,
sigh who am i kidding, i do i do i do
i want i want i want

life grinds. its like two sand papers rubbing against each other. the noise you can't stand...the friction is overwhelming. the pain is bearable. the defiance is not. you complain till the point you know nothing gets through. you stop uttering the redundant lines, as if it was already not enough. if you try to move the pencil with our mind and it don work, well it don work. no matter how many minds no matter which pencil. its amazing if not hysterical. as in its past the point of cribbing, now its only regret. you have a picture in your head, but realistically it never lives up to the actual scene. disappointment i have been the one to cause generally, but when a disappointment is disappointed, heh, it is just plain sad. so i have no complains no qualms, nothing, just nothing. rhetorical questions i have had enough of. now i don't care anymore.

trapped

jai hind

for the lil ones

the un

we set out with a particular vision in our minds. all of us initially started with the save vision. as time passes by and you look behind you, beside you, the crowd seems to diminish. it is only natural. with growth, necessities change, those standing in the same queue, now move off and find lines of their liking. what started out with a crowd now is a feeble number of known individuals. its better than not having anyone behind you. but the thing you will learn is that, those who stand in the same line as yours tend to push your boundaries more and more. bend but not brake.
i don't know what to do anymore, somehow lost sight of the vision i started off with, everything is front is gray and so much noise, distortion. all there is to do is to wait for the dust to clear, that is if it clears. there is no way of knowing what will happen, and how it will happen. tolerance is at an all time low. the times demands it. wasting time in this era is frowned upon.
its
uninitiated
unnerving
unfair
unnecessary


track of the ah fuck it, play this : i have a dream

water

water they say is the best cure. drink lots of it. it takes care of the system for you. keepin it real....keepin it clean. that was when water was pure.
purity, is a concept long gone. a filthy race. gluttony sloth pride greed, heh lust oh damn lust, envy for the most parts and wrath really dosen't matter if you are involved or not, its a participation thing. attendance compulsory, participation must. willing-ness is a non issue. its in the contract. fine print, invariably int he lines we choose to skip.
i haven't spun like this in a while. all this after about 6 liters of filtered filth ridden waters. oh what goes into the rivers and streams. so while i sit here head heavy without thought and feeling, i try to compute if the water will eventually clear the system which i believe i have a mission to destroy.
pandemic is when it happens all over the world, and believe you me h1n1 is the least of your worries. we all fall sick. i generally have been able to cope with it. but this i think is the new shit kicking in, we evolve, we all evolve. its not hit me yet, but its only a matter of time, only that day i felt a tremor, oh how i wish there were ghosts.