collapse

luck was made to run out,
time was made to catch up.
blessed with circumstance
cursed with existence.
lost without a direction
reason without a cause.


thought of the day : i am my dad's atm :(

sleepless

i have been having dreams lately, i no like dreams, they are either good or bad. hence i like to sleep it through. i can't sleep. i lay down, tired arms and legs eyes almost closing with drowsiness. but as soon as i get on the bed, the aches start. i roll over and over again. all in vain. 30mins-an hour of all this charade, and just maybe i will fall asleep. mornings are not so good either, there were days where i could sleep till 11/12 no issue. now a days i by 9-9:30 i lay eyes wide opened and the head filled with blurry thoughts.
sleep is my best defense, its the coping strategy.... but i have lost touch. as you grow older i suppose there are more things you worry about, lesser the sleep gets.
with so many things going astray so many things yet to do, there isn't much time left, i suppose its the tension creeping in. i remem the last time i felt like this, 3rd semester and my attendance was low. i was worried as i am today. i dunno what i am doing, why i am doing things............ i just hope i figure things out quickly. i can't live like this anymore, its not me. its not me.

bite me

this year has been a test, and it still aint done. the viva portion will start at the village. the increasing number of old people on networking sights is frankly frightening. i think there should be a different version of, say face book, generation wise. see, generally in the bengali tradition, pujo is the beginning of a gossip festival, and when you are cut off from the city in a secluded farmhouse with rooms made of mud, there is little you can do. if there is one thing i gave grown to learn wrt to the family, is how to cover my tracks. these people are a school of piranhas. never enter the water with an open wound, them buggers can smell the fresh blood a mile away, and it take a few seconds to rip a man to shreds, its in their blood you see. sigh, the sad part is, this is the only annual vacation i have, i look forward to. but every year there are conflicts, every year there are people who don come just to save face, save a confrontation. sigh. the politics. this is the first year i am not looking forward to this escape, which is not good, not good at all. when you have to check everything you say and fit your words very delicately, its not fun anymore. and the deal is that this coming generation are also being inducted in the same, blame game. its just not cool. but since i am a slippery one, i do like to see them fishes devour the stupid ones. heh, dumb asses. for 5 years straight, i have been teaching them how to veer clear of the big fishes, but all they do is offer themselves as sacrificial lambs, i mean how hard is it to answer a question in one sentence. you don back your answer up, with undue false and highly unbelievable lies. it gets too obvious. sigh. better to see them crash and burn, than myself.
i have not normally approached things with a plan of attack. well never mostly. but as long as you keep in mind that yous the one attacking, alls good. now to every fight there are two components, the battle and then the war. most people start celebrating right after the battle till the sky falls on their heads, and they don even come close to finishing the war let alone win it. there is initial success and then the sustained kind, the kind that stays there for a while. at the moment everyone i know seems engaged in some form of war. raging it is, like wild fire, contagious even. i used to sit back and see them buggers belting it out. but sigh... its coming this way, everything is. i miss old times. the times when all you used to do is watch. accountability i am afraid of. i just want to get to december somehow, you know, finish what ever this year has ruined. make plans for the next year to crush. heh. when it rains, one generally finds the first shade to keep dry, but when there is no hope for the rains to stop anytime soon, you have to get out and get wet. but then there are those who wait it out in that shade. its those people i don like, its those people i am scared of. i hope the rain stops, i don need the sun, i just want the rain to stop. i am drenched.

reality II

heh, what a day. what a day.
you think you have heard it all, till you hear its all over again. once i was barred for a week over some stupid juvenile shit. but hey, did the crime, payed the time.
there have been two kinds of people in my life. unfortunately both the types have judged me, its the way of the world. the difference is, one party's view i respect the other i abolish. them be the ones that have called me an addict, the others that have dared to think about it, but never utter it out loud. respect is something you have to give to get. i dislike a very few people in my life, but there is a finite domain, covering those category of people. its a domain that my venn diagram never intersects. so what happens to people there. no idea. its as if asking me if pluto is a planet. i don't care.
be nice. thats what people tell you to be, parents try to embed that into you cranium from the day you are born. but what they don't tell you is, there is a fine line, a very fine line, beyond which people take you for granted. the first time being nice back fired you don't remember, because that first experience threw you off. but since that day, you keep a record of what you give and of what you get in return. as the days go by, the ratio gets worse. its only when we hit puberty do we realize, that niceties should be kept for people who are deserving. i some how feel that i have a world of meanness to deliver for all the nicety. its never worth it. you think it is. you make yourself believe it is, but it aint. proof you get in due time. it all gets laid on you like a fat man buttering his toast. all greasy and repulsive. what do you do when you are not mean by nature, do you go out of your way. i think yes, i think it is logical, it is after all survival, and why should i sacrifice myself. the fact of the matter is, you are born alone, and you will die alone. the whole human gene, is wired to seek company. to seek people to share happiness with. suckers we are. man is a social fucking animal. true that. true that.
sigh.
why don we treat different people the same. why do we make exceptions. a chor is a chor if he/she is not related, but the same person becomes a victim when relations are involved. we are told that, we must make an effort to understand. all fucking charade. i will admit to being wrong about one thing, i thought people are different. but they are not, all of them are alike. all. no exceptions. not even me. same shit, different asshole. when this harsh reality hits you, its like the wind has been knocked out of you. you try to gasp air. but ja howar hoyegeche. this shit don go in reverse.
this life is crazy, its not worth it. nothing is. expectations are made, just to be broken. feelings are mended just to be torn again. esteem is built up just to have it be trampled over again. its a circle. you fall down, get up, fall down again. sometimes you get someone to help you up, then see them trip you back down, nunku chutia, mod khawiye lang martish. sigh. roy pore geche, haha. but how long have i been down man, how long do i stay down. i have been getting up from falls all my life. on my terms. not anyone elses. my terms. its my life, and i chose to live them on my terms, family and friends influence you, not me. my parents have realized that fact the hard way, hence there is no leash anymore, and i will be damned if i ever have one. i have stuck it out all by myself these years, and if i have to do it again, i'd do it without the slightest remorse. one man, one road and one rule, fuck the world, cause its sure as hell is going to try to fuck you.
just remember, if you do the crime, be prepared to do the time. thats fucking karma.

reality

i wanted keema today, saw it on some show, dhaba he went to, and keema
i cooked keema
thats now.

so while it cools down, i shall talk a lil,
reality is i can do all this, because i learned how to.
i wanted it, with time and practice i can feed myself, feed myself good. there are only so many things you can do when you live alone. people think living alone is easy, it is in ways. but there are times that the emptiness gets to you, oh it gets to you. i have numbed those feeling the best i can, not by doing things i am particularly proud off, but cooking yes, i am proud. i am good, heh real good. it takes the mind away, crucial time aram se pass hoye jaye, times you would have spent pitying yourself, you try to estimate how much salt to put it, how to get that flavor.... that essence...that texture, thinking out ways and things you can mix, things that the bengali mother would never utter to mix, just to get it that lil extra perfect. it is my vice. one out of the two, the other is dark, but there is balance. i have a unique taste-bud-to-brain-remembering ratio. i don't forget taste, i acquire it, register it, and all i do is keep cooking till there is a match. is it that simple, no. but with enough fuck ups, you'll get there eventually. its what keeps me sane, i already have daal, chicken, roast chiken in the fridge...... lots of leftovers, but i still cooked chicken, why............ cause its what calms me. keeps me from wandering off.
i dug my hole, i dwelled in it, i don't think i got out, am getting out, will be getting out..... who gives a fuck. i know this, that hole started out to be the end all of things, unless you find ways to forget that you are in a hole, cause face it, even if you do....there's a deeper hole, a darker one..... its there. believe me its there. move on. shit happens. it will happen, you can't run away from it. you can run away from a particular shit storm, only to be met head on with another shit storm. so why run from it, i say you know the shit storm you are in, the others you don't know anything about, so why not stay merry with the shit that yous got, cause atleast you know what you ate to cause the horrible indigestion of massive proportions. i walked away from my house once, dad had said, ja.... so i went. three houses down the line i realized, what the fuck. i can't do this, i don have the means to do this. running away is only good if you know for a fact that you will never go back, never under whatever circumstances, wind rain snow or sleet, fuck it.... if you turn away don't look back, because those glances back will cost you heavy.
keema, heh, my head is keema...... and it tastes nice.

#include
aah fuck it, you get the point, infinite for loop of shit wad. get over it.

the last thing you do

whats the last thing you do each day.
i mostly don remember.

i remember that i wait for it. when you live alone. there is no schedule you follow. you tend to somehow fit in as the time passes. there is too much of time on hand. there was a time when i use to wait for all the telephone calls to finish, and then sit for dinner. a movie perhaps. then the calls started getting later and later. and it doesn't help when your parents live in america. the time difference just sucks.
i hate eating alone. hate it. hence i put it on hold till the stomach goes, dude food...food food. what i hate more is stopping in the middle of a meal and talking on the phone. i am not the kind that munches while he talks. so as my mouth blabs..... i stare down at the hot plate in my hands.....and slowly feel the warmth go. as the conversations switches from subject to subject, i think of lowering the fan speed so as not to render the food cold. slowly but surely, i put the plate on the floor..... phone on ear.... stare at the food, the cold food and sigh.
reheating the food, sigh, reheating that half eaten dinner.....again. you get this flash, your life, stale as the food, cold as the daal...... and as meaningful as the fly that does the rounds of the plate.
you still live life as per others boundaries. waiting for calls. taking care of that first and then yourself. is it sad when you come second, even wrt to you. i mean, is it ok that you yourself put yourself at number two. all the time. everytime. over and over again.
and this is just the 2 mins in the microwave.
the plate goes round and round, you hear a faint sizzle. and then you wait, cause you have over heated the mother.
life is not cool. its beautiful. its a lot of other things...... but it aint cool. i sometimes want to explode, i used to once.. but now i don know the degree of destruction i will cause. once you are on a roll you are on a roll, you don really care what you have in your hands, you just throw it. hurl hurl hurl.
i have stopped waiting these days. i can't anymore. and honestly, the care factor has become more complex. there is this state of constant contradiction. live today to fight tomorrow, is what a friends motto was. poor thing, neither is he living nor is there any fight. so yes, i shall accommodate, not vacate..... accommodate.have momentum, so build the same and then jump on. cause there's no stopping anymore.
no more waiting. no more.

insane in the membrane insane in the brain

hmm,
hmm hmm hmm
so my brother has surpassed all of my expectations, i know i have trained him, but i trained him to be a GI on earth, and the dude's moon walking on the moon, different planet all 2gthr. heck gravity still applies. what goes up must come down. i chose to leave america when i was in class 8, choose, yes it was my choice, that same choice was given to my kid bro just the other way around, he went to america in class 8. lots of things i missed out, do i rue about them, yes..... do i wonder what could have been, yes. do i regret is..... no. so where was i, this sibling of mine has already chalked off half of my bucket list. and by the looks of things greater things are to come. i remem my mom got this palm reader once, he looked at both our hands, after mine he said......hmm, porishkar...kintu onek koshto aache, koshto debe. then after my brothers hand, all i could catch that....uff, ie chele ta tope (cannon)...... then both of us were promptly whisked out, for mom to get to the more serious questions. i always wanted to know the answers, but now i think i already do. the lil one is far more tenacious than i ever was, will be. i some how envied what he had going for him, his attitude mostly...... eh. but yeah, i rather rule him than be ruled by him. so ego back on full throttle. poor boy tries to pull a fast one on the old bum, but heh...... been there done that. not at the same age as you are doing it, but done that none the less. this younger generation are fast, they catch up so quick, they fall get back up, and bite that ass and won't let go. its scary. i think evolution skipped a generation, and some how produced this mutated smart mothers..... relentless lil buggers. and its an epidemic of infinite proportions...... lil attitude driven lil punks with smart mouths and an insatiable appetite for arguments and are programmed to do exactly the polar opposite of what you tell em to do. for example lets take sexuality, we were (and this is like generalizing....) born confused (lets say) and then we adhere to the orientation of our fancy. but these new ones are born bi, confused is not in the dictionary, then they move on to one single road, multiple roads....and some prefer to fly :D
somewhere on facebook say khoks write, i am on acid :P
he is not, that i know..... but what strikes me was when i was a munchkin ...... of almost his age, i thought acid was hno3, h2so4.... stuff like that. i knew lsd, but acid is corrosive. chem 101. sigh
where have we come to.
internet is powerful, oh so so so powerful. name me one thing you won't find on the internet. one thing.
you won't find a soul.
slowly we, our younger counterparts are becoming more like drones..... letting go
we need soul. i need soul. soul soul soul.



In mathematics, chaos theory describes the behavior of certain dynamical systems – that is, systems whose states evolve with time – that may exhibit dynamics that are highly sensitive to initial conditions (popularly referred to as the butterfly effect). As a result of this sensitivity, which manifests itself as an exponential growth of perturbations in the initial conditions, the behavior of chaotic systems appears to be random. This happens even though these systems are deterministic, meaning that their future dynamics are fully defined by their initial conditions with no random elements involved. This behavior is known as deterministic chaos, or simply chaos.

ok this is a lil late

you did change the world,
you did have and impact on this world

so yeah *respect*

There's A Place In
Your Heart
And I Know That It Is Love
And This Place Could
Be Much
Brighter Than Tomorrow
And If You Really Try
You'll Find There's No Need
To Cry
In This Place You'll Feel
There's No Hurt Or Sorrow

There Are Ways
To Get There
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Little Space
Make A Better Place...

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race
There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

If You Want To Know Why
There's A Love That
Cannot Lie
Love Is Strong
It Only Cares For
Joyful Giving
If We Try
We Shall See
In This Bliss
We Cannot Feel
Fear Or Dread
We Stop Existing And
Start Living

Then It Feels That Always
Love's Enough For
Us Growing
So Make A Better World
Make A Better World...

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race
There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

And The Dream We Were
Conceived In
Will Reveal A Joyful Face
And The World We
Once Believed In
Will Shine Again In Grace
Then Why Do We Keep
Strangling Life
Wound This Earth
Crucify Its Soul
Though It's Plain To See
This World Is Heavenly
Be God's Glow

We Could Fly So High
Let Our Spirits Never Die
In My Heart
I Feel You Are All
My Brothers
Create A World With
No Fear
Together We Cry
Happy Tears
See The Nations Turn
Their Swords
Into Plowshares

We Could Really Get There
If You Cared Enough
For The Living
Make A Little Space
To Make A Better Place...

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race
There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race
There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me
And The Entire Human Race
There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

There Are People Dying
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Better Place
For You And For Me

You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me
You And For Me

the real slim shady

cnn ibn,
this is what i see
momota giving her rail budget. pechone eminem er real slim shady.
i didn't think i'd live to see this day.
we are living in times of change,
this shit is whack.
note to self,
this shit really happened
oo and dida baba ke kaal first khisti-ish mereche. heh.
times of change

indecision

sick i am.
the throat pains, damn tonsils.
was discussing with a friend that this time we live in is a time of change. the country is going through so much. there is bound to be struggle, not just as a country but as a nation with the world's economic peril. this is like making the silver lining, if you can't find any. distractions are very few and come by very seldom. you'd think people would get used to this state. i don't like medication. the prescribed kind. you have to follow a schedule. follow is key. i hate that. so many conflicting thoughts occur in your head, when in reality you should ideally not be thinking at all. being idle is like a cure.... a curse too. nothing is going well. nothing. nada. zilch. the environment is also kinda slowing down things to make the bad seem worse. i don't look forward to questions anymore. because there is no answer. and even if i had the perfect answer, it wouldn't suffice. so why bother answering to matters that you don't control. dark dark times ahead. dark.
i hope this throat aches go away soon. the smoke isn't helping. never did. bah. just coats the truth, softens the blow, takes the edge off, keeps is real, tints the glass............ the works. shadows is where i belong. shadows is where i should have stayed.

religion

yes, i shall rant about religion. the pros are, it gives you something to belong to.... gives you social status...gets you friends.... for one, i like religion, i like have roots to belong to..... everything is so messed up that yes, sometimes religion can be a good distraction.
lets now shift the conversation to god, mr.G aka prick aka man with the last laugh. god god god, one heck of a guy, and i know its a guy and not a gal cause, if god were a woman.....ektu maya'r bhaab dekhajeto. so god is man. and self indulgent. i bet the guy was bored..... some nebula's and stars he was playing with..... and pooof came man..... for the first couple o times i suppose we were like pets... a lil pat here and a lil pat there, we'd be happy. then god grew a conscience..... and we grew horny. where there were say 13, now are 13million. poor guy, might have just gone to take a whiz and comes back to a booming infestation. i bet he was looking for a baygon/raid/hit ka phus phus can, but i guess god didn't invent everything. stuck with his science experiment, he was. what to do what to do. this whole bunch of people he was not ready for..... not expecting.
but the best thing god could have done, and probably mistakenly also did, was make us "humans" in "his image", this means we had lil o god in us..... not the power say, but the creator mentality. the destroyer mentality. the sustain-er mentality. we were mental. then us human did something that put god off the hook for ever. we invented new demi gods...... cause one god is not enough.... he needs his minions...and not everyone has the same god..... how can we.... we look different... our gods should therefore also look different. so we go, our god is this..... they go our god is that, then there are some that say... our gods are those.
mr.G see this opportunity, full on skirmish. he made us look one way, and dissolved in to the other.
aah fuck it.
we are men. humans i mean, left on this planet to survive. yes we need things to hold on to. customs to carry out. that part i like.....wearing the sacred tread, yes its scared and yes it is also the best scratching instrument ever made. ever! i mean it. sacrifices are made...... people now go.... oooo you should not have killed that goat for a sacrifice..... not cool anymore. has anyone asked the poor old goat, that was probably any way was going to be slaughtered for food, now it has a reason for its death other than gluttony. its death has some meaning. and that mother was fed royally the last few days. i am not saying sacrifices are cool.... i am just sayin if the fucker was going to be hacked, might as well get something out of it, am sure the goat wouldn't mind...... isn't it the survival of the fittest.
i think the time for god is at an end, i don't mean it in that way. its just that i have much more faith in certain individuals than i have in god.
we need more such individuals to steer us right. but first we need to purify ourselves...... i have seen people who are shit scared of god, thats cause they did something to be shit scared about....... so for them if you take god out of the equation....you also take the guilt out. people mostly deserve what happens to them. and if they don't they learn from it. everything has meaning. it must. but tai bole hore ram hore krishno....... uh uh not happenin.
i am a conflicted individual. i have do stupid pronams as i pass a mondir mom used to pronam at, and i wonder do i do it because of god, or because mom used to do it. i do pujo on durga pujo. but most importantly i know when the fault is ours, rather than blaming it on an all powerfull duche.
so god..... i get you, i don believe in you per se. i see you have mind tricks going around, unfair...... but when have you played fairly. so yeah, go off to another planet and start it all over, and see if you can get it right this time.
cheers